Look at You Now Read online
Page 8
“What?” I was distracted, wondering if my ankles were going to swell up. Being pregnant was such a weird thing.
“What are you doing with all that?” Nellie pointed to the candy and vending machine stuff sticking out of my coat pockets.
“Oh, I was trying not to faint again.”
“Well, good thing you didn’t eat the fish downstairs. Tilly almost threw up when she walked in and smelled the cafeteria. I guess I’m used to it.”
I stuck out my hand. “Want some?” I offered, hoping she’d say no; I was pretty hungry. “No, that’s okay, you better eat it,” Nellie said, and then added, “unless you’re not gonna; then I’ll have some.” She was looking at the Heath bar in my left pocket, so I handed it to her. A little later she asked me how old I was.
“Just turned seventeen; how about you?”
“Me too, a month ago. Lucky we’re not eighteen. We couldn’t be here; we’d have to be there.” Nellie made a scary face and pointed to a door on the opposite side of our wing. “The people who live in there? Those are the over-eighteens, high-security fucking psycho crazy girls.”
“What do you mean?”
“If you’re eighteen you can live wherever the hell you want in the world; you’re an adult. But the girls in there are crazy, with major problems, and they’re pregnant, ya know? They have to be in there. We call it the real Cuckoo’s Nest.” What? There was a wing full of eighteen-year-old pregnant psycho girls? What? How many were there?
“If you could be any character from Cuckoo’s Nest who would you be, Liz?” Nellie was chomping on the Heath bar. I was still stuck on the psychos.
“What? You really like that movie, don’t you?”
“You’re catching on. I fucking love that movie; who doesn’t love Jack Nicholson? Come on, it’s soooo good. Who would you be? Tilly would be Billy; even though he dies, she likes him. I would be Mac, of course. What about you?” We were back in our wing by now, almost at the lounge. Alice spotted us and immediately came up to us.
“Nellie, you’re behind, you know that, right?” she said, in her scolding tone.
Nellie put her hand on her hip. “I’m … what do you call it … damn, what’s the word? I got it, I’m … fatigued, Alice. Yeah, I’m fatigued, and I got edema, and I got twins in my body. I don’t know why you think I can get down on my hands and knees and do chores. I can’t, and I ain’t.”
“You can and you will,” Alice said. “And, Liz, you should start tonight, latest tomorrow morning.”
“Okay, doing what?”
“What is wrong with you girls?” She seemed annoyed. I noticed the girls listened when Alice was not happy. They didn’t always obey her, but she had the power. She was the mother hen in charge. She pointed to the big chore board in the lounge where it was clear as day: Liz P.—Sweep Lounge and Hall.
“Oh yeah, sorry, yes. How often do I do that?”
“Every day. Read the board!” Then she walked away with her weeble-wobble walk, shaking her head. Nellie’s chores were toilets and phone booth. Nellie whispered, “Every day my ass. We do them maybe twice a week.”
Tilly rounded the corner and tripped right into us. She smiled. I loved how happy Tilly always was. “Why is Liz out of her room?”
Nellie rolled her eyes. “She’s not a dog, Tilly.”
“I know, what I meant was that she’s never out of her room. Hi, Liz, you’re here in the lounge, that’s great!”
Nellie pointed to the vending machine food in my pockets.
“Liz, show her your dinner.” I pulled out a half a bag of Fritos, the whole roll of Life Savers, the pretzels, and the Fig Newtons. Tilly’s eyes widened. I was still hungry, but I saw how badly Tilly wanted it.
“Want some?” I offered.
“Can I?”
“Take it.” Tilly took the pretzels and opened the cherry Life Savers. I guess I could eat the Fig Newtons. There was a round table in the corner of the lounge with several chairs. Nellie sat down in the farthest corner chair.
“That’s her spot,” Tilly whispered. “Everyone has a spot. She plays solitaire there all day long, don’t you, Nellie?”
“Well, if you morons could play anything, I wouldn’t have to play solitaire so much.”
“I know how to play cards,” I said. My family loved cards.
“What do you play?” Nellie asked.
“Gin, crazy eights, spit, spoons, war, whatever.”
“Thank fucking God. Maybe you can teach Tilly; I don’t have the patience.” The other girls began meandering into the lounge, on their way back from dinner. I sat in a chair at the round table next to Tilly. It had taken a little while, but maybe I’d found my spot. Deanna came in last, with her big red earrings. She told a girl to shut the fuck up when she walked in, and then plopped down in the empty La-Z-Boy chair. That must be her spot. I made a note never to sit there. The young girl with the scar walked in, with another strange-looking girl with long hair down to her butt, dyed black. Her skin was translucent white. She looked like Morticia from The Addams Family. They sat on separate sides of the couch, both of them staring blankly at the TV. There was another girl sitting cross-legged on the floor right in front of the TV. I felt as though I’d been plopped down in the land of the misfit toys. Tilly was smoking and ashing in the ashtray every five seconds. Everyone was smoking except for Nellie.
Nellie tapped my shoulder. “Let’s see what you got. Gin?”
“Sure.” Nellie and I went at gin. I liked Nellie. She made me laugh, but she also had something about her that made me feel … not scared.
I started teaching Tilly how to play spit. Then Nellie, Tilly, and I began a loud game of spit all together. We slapped the cards hard on the table with our palms, shrieking at one another. The other girls slowly gathered around, watching us play. The little girl with the scar was inching her way closer and closer. Suddenly, there were six of us at the table. After half a dozen games, Nellie told them all to clear out of her space. I lit up a cigarette and noticed Nellie staring at me.
“What? What are you looking at?” I said.
“Your coat. I like it; looks real warm.”
“Thanks.”
“Did you steal it?”
Tilly threw her head back, laughing. “Liz didn’t steal it. She didn’t even know what juvie was until I told her; she never stoled anything in her life.”
Nellie thought about it. “I guess she doesn’t need to steal, then.”
“No, I didn’t steal it; my mom gave it to me for my birthday.”
Nellie smiled. “You got a good mom?”
“Yeah, she’s good.”
There was a long beat. Nellie lifted her head a little and said,“I’m gonna be a good mom.” Her wire-framed glasses were taped on one side, and I could see she had some sort of medicine on the boils all over her face. I didn’t really want to talk about being a mom. I didn’t think of myself, or any of the other girls, that way. It’s true that was the reason we were all here, but I still didn’t want to think about it. I looked at Nellie’s big belly and said, “I have little sisters that are twins.”
Her jaw dropped. “You do?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know any twins, what are they like?”
“They’re fine, good. It’s cool to have a twin. I mean, they have the closest relationship of anyone I’ve ever known. They get to go through everything together. Kind of like having a friend who always has your back, you know?”
Tilly looked over at me. “What’s the matter, Liz?”
I laughed a little as I wiped my face. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” I said.
Tilly looked at Nellie. “I think she misses her family?”
“Obviously. Don’t be a dumbass, and quit talkin’ about her like she’s not here.” They were quiet until Nellie shuffled the cards again and said, “You got a good family, don’t you?”
“I guess.”
“You seem like someone with a good family,” Nellie said.
Right. Like Dorothy was going to waltz into the misfit toy teenage pregnancy wing with the twins and take me out for a club sandwich.
“No, they can’t come here,” I said. “They won’t be visiting.”
“You’re even hiding from your own family?” Tilly said. She immediately looked busted. “Sorry, we know you’re hiding; they told us.” The girls knew? I was strangely relieved that I wouldn’t have to cover that up while I was there. I continued, “Yeah, my sisters don’t know I’m here; only my parents know.”
“Heavy shit, Liz. But don’t worry, none of us have anyone who would visit,” Nellie said.
“I do, I have Rick,” Tilly said.
“Not one of us has had a fucking visitor since I been here, Tilly.”
Tilly put her head down and quietly said, “I know.”
Nellie gathered up the cards. “Yeah, I been worried, what will it be like and all that shit to have twins.” The thought of it blew my mind: Nellie was going to give birth to not one but two tiny babies.
The Morticia-looking girl came in from the hallway and told me I had a phone call. Before I got out the door, Tilly reminded me that her and Nellie’s room was only two doors down from mine. I smiled.
“Hello?” I answered in the phone booth.
“Diz?”
“Hi, Dad. It’s really good to hear your voice.”
“How’s it going?”
“Okay.”
“That’s good. Kate said you sounded pretty upset on the phone today. I feel terrible. I know it’s not going to be easy, Diz. It’s a tough situation all around, but you’re a strong person.”
“Yeah.” I wasn’t sure what he meant by that. I didn’t feel strong at all. Maybe I used to be strong. But that felt long ago already.
“How you feeling? You still getting sick?” he asked.
“Sometimes. Dad, you think you could come visit?”
“Yes, of course.”
“This place is really nothing like I thought, Dad … and it’s, well, it’s really hard here. Think you could come this weekend?”
“Your mom is coming this weekend.”
“No, she’s not anymore; she can’t. So I was hoping maybe you could.”
“I won’t to be able to make it to you for a while. I thought you were at that place so your mother could easily come visit you.” He paused. “I don’t understand.”
“She has to work, Dad, she’s got a job.” My mom was barely making ends meet.
“She made a commitment to come see you the first weekend. I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make it up for several weeks. I have all this work I have to do.”
The lump in the back of my throat was trying to suffocate me. It was hard to breathe.
“Okay, I guess I’ll see you next month, then.”
“Diz, stay strong. This will all be over soon; then everything will be back to normal.” I didn’t believe that. Nothing was ever going to be normal again. “Remember not to mention your last name, honey, or talk about yourself. You’re a private person.”
“I know, Dad.”
“I’ll talk to you soon. Take good care of yourself.”
I hung the phone up and sat for a long time. I was out of hope. I was on my own, completely alone. I picked the phone back up, pulled the card out of my pocket, and dialed the number.
• • • •
Ms. Graham’s door was closed when I arrived, so I knocked.
“Come in,” her voice said from inside.
“Hi. Sorry.”
“No problem, of course. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know if I can do this, Ms. Graham. I’m trying really hard but five months is a long, long, long time. Every day, every night I—I know I have to, but I don’t know how to … how to be here and feel okay.”
“Are the girls giving you trouble?”
“I like some of them.”
“Alice said there was a ruckus around your room this afternoon?”
I wasn’t sure I should tell her how the girls scared the crap out of me, that I’d felt positive I was going to be killed, that red-earring Deanna was one scary-ass girl who got in my face and rampaged through my room. In fifth grade, back in Winnetka, there was a long stretch when the boys were mean to me every day. They bullied me, I told on them, and in the end it only made it worse. My brother John told me you should never ever rat. It always makes things worse. I remembered that now.
“No, there wasn’t a ruckus, they just wanted to hear me play the guitar.” And that was true, nothing bad happened. They’d only been curious.
“Oh, that’s nice. I bet they enjoyed it.” Ms. Graham got up and went over to a little refrigerator she kept in her office. She turned around and put a half a sandwich, a napkin, and a little carton of orange juice in front of me. “Go ahead. You didn’t eat, I gather?”
“No, I didn’t. Thank you.” I took a bite of the fresh, normal turkey sandwich. I had so many thoughts spinning in my head, topped with the most recent: Neither my mother nor my father would be coming to visit this weekend, to bring me the piece of courage or hope or whatever it was I needed so badly. There was a long silence. Eventually it just came out. “I miss home, Ms. Graham. I want to go home, I really want to go home. I know I can’t but I feel it so much.” That’s all, that was my truth in a sentence. I needed to be truthful to someone. The tears were pouring out, as usual.
“Thank you for telling me that. You are brave, Liz.”
“I am?”
“Yes, you are. It takes courage to admit the truth and tell it to someone else.” I felt a pang of relief for a second. Maybe it was only the turkey sandwich, but something felt better. Ms. Graham went on. “We can all do so much more than we think we can, Liz. Life has a strange way of showing us who we are. I do believe you can do this. You can find a way to be okay here. All we have to do is get you to believe you can.”
I looked out the little window in her office at the dark landscape outside. The quiet and lonely fields and woods. I wanted to believe what she was saying, but didn’t know if I could.
Ms. Graham looked at me. “You picked up the phone and called me … You’re doing the best you can, right?”
“Yes.” I waited a few moments. Then I stood up and slowly headed for the door. “My head feels a little less crowded. Thanks again.”
“Liz?”
“Yeah, I mean, yes?”
“Yours was the first call I’ve gotten in almost all the years I’ve been here. I’ve given that card out I don’t know how many times.” Ms. Graham smiled, which she didn’t do often.
As I walked back to my room, I felt like there was more space to breathe. Maybe I just needed to hear someone say it out loud: I was going to be okay. I’d messed up, but maybe it wouldn’t be messed up forever … And doing the best I could was maybe enough for now.
chapter 5
The sun was blasting through the window again as I opened my eyes. There was an annoying tapping coming from my door.
“You going to school, Liz?” It was Tilly, from the other side of the door. I heard rustling and voices as I got my bearings. I was still there; it wasn’t all a dream. I guess it was never going to be a dream. I leaned over my growing stomach to get up.
“Yeah. Come on in, Tilly.” Tilly bounded in the door like a puppy.
“Hi, I got you some graham crackers and milk. You missed breakfast.” She sat down on the opposite bed in the same art smock she’d been wearing since I arrived, almost a week ago. I grabbed my clothes off the dresser, tripped over my shoes, dropped the clothes, picked them back up, and stumbled my way to the bathroom.
“You’re not a morning person, huh, Liz?” she said.
“Nope.”
I turned on the faucet. The ice-cold water coming from the winter pipes slapped my face. I grabbed a dirty
T-shirt to dry off and looked straight into my eyes in the mirror. I wondered if I would ever see who I used to be—the old me, before any of this happened. And then I heard, “Come on, bitches, let’s move it.” I looked again in the mirror and thought, Where the hell am I? Nellie was at the door, looking morning pregnant and miserable, with a weird winter hat and a men’s oversized wool coat that was so big she looked like she was kidding. I threw my hair in a ponytail, reached for my coat, grabbed the graham crackers in the cup, and poured the milk in. Tilly pulled a plastic spoon out of her pocket and handed it to me.
“Gotta eat, girl. You don’t want to faint again.” She smiled and I ate as we walked toward the entrance. We stopped and stood in a line with the other girls at the guard gate entrance near Ms. Graham’s office. Nellie grabbed me by the shoulder and walked me over to the guard woman, the same ignoring black woman I’d seen several times in the last few days. Nellie smiled at her, like they were good friends.
“Hey, Chief, this is Liz. Liz, meet Chief, you know, from Cuckoo’s Nest?” The black lady smiled a big smile and high-fived Nellie through the gate.
“You don’t mess with Chief, Liz,” Nellie said. Chief smiled as Nellie shouted, “Hit it.” She buzzed the steel door open for us. We headed outside, single file, and followed the path up the hill to the schoolhouse. It was the little Hansel and Gretel cabin I’d seen hiding in the trees during my walk around the grounds. It was the painful kind of freezing, snowy and windy, and Nellie was struggling with her massive stomach. She kept losing her balance and swearing like a trucker. I walked behind her and put my arm out a couple times to keep her from falling. She shouted through the wind to me, “Who are you from Cuckoo’s Nest?”
I shouted back, “I have to think about it—there aren’t too many characters left.”
Finally we were there at the little schoolhouse. Nellie climbed up the two stairs and shook off the snow. There was a small room with several metal folding chairs and almost nothing else. There looked to be a couple of stairs in the back that led into another tiny room with some books. A nice-looking young woman with straight brown hair pulled back in a light blue ribbon was leaning against the window. Nellie struggled with her coat and then threw it on the floor. I picked it up and hung both our coats on a hook by the door. The girls all sat down in the chairs. There were about nine of them total. Tilly waved to me and pointed to the seat next to her. “Sit here. This will be the most boring fucking few hours of your life.”
Look at You Now